How to Talk to Kids About Their Adoption Story 

AFFGS Education Meeting  Held Saturday, February 12 

by Toni Higgs 

     “Oh is he adopted?”  “Well he was adopted 4 years ago, but now we are a family.”  This was just one example given at the education meeting of how parents can model positive adoption talk in front of their kids.  Given that just about all of us have been the recipients of comments based on ignorance, fear, or maybe just plain nosiness, it was very helpful to hear some well thought out answers to questions like these.   

    Yolanda Comparan of Adoption Information and Referral Service (ARIS) led a lively discussion with about 25 people who attended the meeting.  Just about everyone had a story to tell.  Yolanda’s years of experience as an adoption educator and adoptive parent led to great advice about how to handle everything from open adoption to issues at school to how to talk to our kids.   

     Most children really start to grasp the concept of adoption around age 7 or 8.  Yolanda stressed her bias towards telling kids the truth, as long as it is appropriate for the child’s age, even if it is painful or difficult.  We all have the truth about our families, so why shouldn’t they?  As adoptive parents, we can’t always rescue our kids from pain, but we can be there to talk about it.  Even if we don’t know the whole truth, or suspect what we were told is false, we can work with what we know and use other tools to try and find out the truth (DNA testing was mentioned). 

     Open adoption and the complex relationships between birth and adoptive families also generated a lively discussion.  Even as we express our gratitude to our child’s birth families, we also need to project the clear message that “We are in charge here, what we say goes.”  Our ultimate goal is to do what is in the best interest of the child. 

     Several people wondered when to bring up adoption issues, especially if kids aren’t asking about it.  Keeping up a regular commentary about adoption, race, and how families are formed can help kids bring up their own issues and questions when they occur.  White parents can, of course, be great parents for kids of color, but can’t experience what their kids go through.  Keeping an open dialogue, and exposing kids to a wide range of experiences can help them feel understood.   

     Secrecy versus privacy was another hot topic.  While secrecy implies shame and hidden information, privacy means we don’t have to or want to broadcast our child’s adoption story to everyone we know.  It’s really up to the child, and for us to think about what’s in their best interest.  Once information is shared it can’t ever be retrieved.  It’s simple enough to say “that’s our private business,” or just change the subject, if someone asks about information we think should be private.